One of the core tenets infused in our approach to coaching executives and other high-achieving strivers is the Dichotomy of Control, a practice through which we distinguish between what is and isn’t within our control and find radical acceptance for that which is not.
This simple, yet difficult to abide by, practice has broad application in our executive coaching practice because it is fundamental to many aspects of our wellbeing and, therefore, to individual success and flourishing.
ROOTS OF THE DICHOTOMY OF CONTROL
The Dichotomy of Control is most often associated with Stoicism. However, the idea can also be traced to other philosophical schools of thought (including the Buddhist principle of non-attachment), science (positive psychology), and religious practices, including Christianity.
This is truly a case where philosophies, science, and religion reflect each other.
A Philosophical View from Stoicism
In their timeless wisdom, Stoic philosophers understood that outcomes we experience (both positive and negative) are subject to an incalculable number of factors beyond our control.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus was prolific in speaking to the importance of distinguishing between what is and isn’t in our control. Epictetus went so far as to suggest that the chief task in life is to distinguish between what is and isn’t within our control.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.“
EPICTETUS
The idea that this is our chief task has a lot of practical wisdom in it if you reflect on how much time, energy, and attention we spend worrying about or ruminating on things that are beyond our control. Knowing the good that can come from practicing the Dichotomy of Control, Epictetus also offered guidance on what is and isn’t within our control.
“Some things are in our control, and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.“
EPICTETUS
The idea of actively guiding our attention based on what is and isn’t within our control is a key principle in Stoicism. By action, the Stoics typically meant choices, our choice to act, to have a thought, to set aside a desire. They referred to the things that are within our control as “Internals”. By contrast, the list of things that are beyond our control (Externals) is much more extensive, covering most things over which we’d like to believe we have more influence.
Although not explicit in Epictetus’ quote above, it is clear that outcomes are not within our control because they are “not our own actions”. This is a key point for strivers, as we have a tendency to think that we have a lot more control over outcomes than we typically do.
As an aside, the Stoics’ narrow view is not an invitation or excuse to be passive or revert to victimhood. Quite the contrary, the Stoics believed we have an obligation to direct our actions virtuously and effectively and understood that it was only in the paradigm of action that we can do good.
A Scientific View from Positive Psychology
Positive psychology embraces the Dichotomy of Control, emphasizing the importance of focusing on what’s within our power to influence while practicing Radical Acceptance for what’s not.
Research suggests that individuals who actively focus on their controllable aspects of life are more likely to experience flourishing and positive emotions. As with Stoicism, positive psychology encourages us to identify and focus on controllables such as thoughts, actions, beliefs, and responses to external events and to accept what is not within our control, such as the actions/beliefs of others, of others, the weather, or natural disasters.
In the language of positive psychology, the Dichotomy of Control is a way to shift perspective so that we can develop a healthy relationship with the ups and downs of the experiences and outcomes we encounter in life.
A Religious View from Christianity
Religious practices also speak extensively to distinguishing between what is and isn’t within our control. You may be familiar with the Serenity Prayer, the opening of which appears below:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
SERENITY PRAYER
Perhaps it is no surprise that the Serenity Prayer is a central element of Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-step program and several other 12-step recovery programs. The prayer is often recited at the end of meetings and is used by many in the program as a daily reminder of their humanity.
APPLICATION OF THE DICHOTOMY OF CONTROL IN EXECUTIVE COACHING
In our coaching work with executives and other high-achieving professionals, we apply the Dichotomy of Control to many of the common challenges experienced by strivers:
- Combating Burnout and Chronic Stress: Strivers shoulder immense pressure and often feel responsible for every outcome. By distinguishing between what we can control (effort, planning, attitude) and what we cannot (outcomes, market conditions, a competitor’s move, perceptions), we shed the weight of worry and dramatically reduce stress and the risk of burnout.
- Overcoming Fear of Failure and Perfectionism: Fear of “failure” can be debilitating for strivers who have tied their self-worth to outcomes. The Dichotomy of Control reframes success as aligning our actions with our values, learning, and persistence, regardless of the result. This frees us to take risks, innovate, and learn from setbacks with healthy indifference to outcomes.
- Mitigating Anxiety and Overwhelm: Strivers manage a significant volume of tasks, decisions, and uncertainties. The DoC provides a mental filter, allowing us to prioritize ruthlessly, thus channeling our focus and energy into what is within our control, rather than dwelling on the uncontrollable.
- Addressing Imposter Syndrome: When strivers seek external validation (wealth, reputation, accolades), imposter syndrome can fester. By focusing on the internal integrity of aligning our actions with our values and our controllable contributions (all controllable), we can build self-compassion and a more robust sense of self-worth that is resilient to external judgment.
- Managing Rumination and Obsessive Thinking: Strivers have a tendency to replay past events or endlessly strategize future outcomes that are uncertain. This rumination or obsessive thinking can be exhausting. By practicing the Dichotomy of Control, we can consciously pivot from unproductive rumination to controllable actions we can take in the present.
- Strengthening Relationships: In personal and professional relationships, strivers often suffer from frustration about others’ choices or reactions. The Dichotomy of Control fosters acceptance of others, enabling us to shift our attention to our own communication, empathy, and boundaries, leading to healthier, less conflict-ridden interactions.
OUTCOMES
We strivers thrive when we embrace the Dichotomy of Control. Whether we approach the matter from the perspective of Stoicism, Positive Psychology, or Spirituality, the wisdom of making the Dichotomy of Control an everyday practice is clear.
Practicing the Dichotomy of Control supports us to focus attention on what is truly within our power to determine, practice Radical Acceptance for what is beyond our control, and identify ourselves with how we align our actions with our values, rather than with our outcomes.
